Shenanigans

hmm. that title pretty much sums it up

really freaking myself out. dreaming odd things. thinking things that really dont even make sense

i mean seriously…
if i cant even manage to detach myself from this current situation how the hell am i supposed to not only sever this tie as well as move several thousand miles away.  

i think my mind is just trying to reinforce the subconscious  urge to get the hell away, at all costs. 

take this past weekend. he invited over some marine and his wife, she and i sat around inside talking while he, her husband, and neighbor people and friends were outside drinking. he yells inside at me, calling me a dyke and to get my ass out there.
later on in the evening he started to show out, putting me in a somewhat headlock, smooshing my face, hurting me. i had to twist his arm to get him to stop and leave me alone. telling his buddies it was my job to clean up and other shit. as some point he was being obnoxious and pushing into me, and i just grabbed him flipped him over on this back. 

its been a while

moved to nc with the hub i hate,
moved back cuz of shit,
gave it one last shot but im ready to leave

tired of being controlled,
not allowed to be me 

 interviewing, need some money
got a plans for these shenanigans
but a plan with no money is just words into air 

maybe cali
its sunny, by the ocean
or canada
canada does have free healthcare

change my name, leave the country?
yeah who am i kidding,
leave the people i care most about…
growing up i didnt have real close friends
i was the fat ugly kid
i had a few shallow acquaintances, but nothing of substance 
and now that i have them, i dont think i could leave any of them for the world, even though it feels ive been left behind already 

Okay. Enough of the dreamtelling. I hate dreams. Time for life. Here and now. Living it. Making adjustments. Listening to advice, as much as I hate asking for it.
Calls tomorrow. Lots of papers. So tired.
Miss you. Happy for you.

Bad taste in my mouth I can’t seem to shake.
Overwhelming urge to sleep all day and cry. Giving in a little. Haven’t really eaten. Want candy but I know I wont eat it.
And I know you’ve gone. You have a life to live. One in which I’m not included.

Told him again I want out. Not for you or anyone else. For me. Making plans, admittedly rough ones, to go back to sparkle. Idk a time frame. No happy reunions. Just a return to normalcy. All live out our quiet little lives.
I wish it could have been different. But you’re all the same
It should have been different, you were the standout.

Kinda funny kinda sad.
A few do know how far things are. I’ve talked, explained. But you don’t, so I haven’t so you don’t. Im not forcing you, in fact listen to the world. Do better.
I’m a horrible person. Abandon me at the gates. Leave me for lost.